darn -_- i can't concentrate on hw. the next two days are so full of essays and tests. grrrrr. im suppose to be studying for a test but im doing the personal statement essayyy right now. and i can't concentrate..still have american democracy crapp!! anyway..so today was okayy at school i guess. 2nd period was funn like always .. or most of the time. mrkim just makes english so much fun and forgets that we have a bunch of stuff to do. so im wondering..what ccould be a worst nightmare than dreamting that you're boyfriend brought another girl to your own house while your parents are home and tells you that he doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore and isnt convinced by you why he should be with you. than the girl on his right all the more agrees with him and add fuels to the fire.and then you just sit at the stairs and cried and crieed and cried your heart out.. it was horrifying/heartbreaking that it woke me up around 5:30 a.m and i just coculdnt fall back asleep..as for schoool..my sissy came to pick me felice and lynn up. we all went to serramonte to look around for a bit. i bought some stockings haha i just watned to tried them out..hope its out i wanted them to be. a little bit of girl talks here and there...haha denn went to bank of america and quicklys. stayed at the bank for like an hour bcus felice had a problem with her account. nd just went home afterwards. didnt really do much..i layed down becus i felt tired. well now i gotta get back. byebye.

im so excited that tvb beyond the realm of conscience is out..heh this drama is going to be really exciting bcus its ancient and my favorite characters ar ein it..ive been watching the first two eps with subs. its already good...i havent start with born rich yet. but eh. so lately..i havent really been doing anything..yesterday i went to costco with my family. it felt really good because i havent been to costco for awhile and esp becus its with family. it felt good wandering around and everything hha. i bought mm..candies for trick o treating .. and crackers with tuna..i saw the tuna werent in their package so i took 2 cans..nd wen we got to the register he sed i couldntbuy it =[ and i bought the crackers for nothing. . sigh. mm today at school..nothing raelly happened..tutoring in avid class was really fustrating..those kids are reallly stubborn&immature. mmm.....i dont feel like talking so byebye.

i can't forget.

Honey,

you know I love you. I feel like I loved you forever. I know we had a very rough start..I know you had it hard. I know I had a very concrete wall built between us. but deep down, I love for you for who you were. And I apologize for trying to change the great man that you truly were. And I really don't blame you for becoming who you are today because partially it was me to blame. As much as you don't believe in karma, I feel like its striking me hard this time because you are just exactly like me before. you can't even look at me or comfort me when i was crying my heart out that one night at karaoke. Right then, I knew realized..my feelings didn't matter to you as much anymore. You may deny these things that i am saying to you, but i hope you can take my thoughts and feelings in consideration this one time..for the first time..and i can't imagine what tomorrow may be if you don't. there have been some stuff i wanted to tell you. Lately, I haven't been feeling very well. Truth be told you, i'm tired and it's hard to cry myself to sleep every night. I'm very scared of our tomorrows. I'm so sorry. No matter how hard I try to fight it off, i'm left with feelings that...aches. And that everytime you kiss me, my heart shakes and becomes weak because I never really healed from the abuses and heartbreaks from our previously arguments. I'm very scared. I have no idea my insecurity of you can hurt me this bad. but I know I have to do this. if I don't im afraid i'll self destruct..and worst..you'll be there to see it happen. know that i try very hard to stay..know that youre my one and only. I miss the good old days of you with every beat of my heart. Our life together was the only happiness I really had..I wouldn't trade it for anything. Please don't let the dispute in your heart and anger ruin what we have. I beg you. I love you and I always will.

so i finally got a trim..a bit. jennifer kind of knew what i like and what not. maybe it's a sign im kind of ready for a bit of transitioning. Lately, i started to notice alot of people around me started to change. Some are growing, some are hurting, some are just..not who they used to be. And I truly miss that. Sometimes, I feel like my heart feels weak. And I thought I was a strong wise person for my age but I guess not because when my sister was hurting from her heartbreak, I really didn't know what to say. I thought I was could have handle everything through advices..but I didn't have any on my mind atm for her..maybe im not so .. miss i know it better afterall. I'm so confuse because I can't tell whether this is real or not. it's like.. you have so little control over anything anymore. And at some point, the struggle becomes too much-too tiring- and you consider letting go even if you don't want to.. and i can't even talk to anybody.. because the world would not understand me. Nobody ever does. I just want to be appreciated by you a bit more at times.

THURSDAY! my favorite school day ...becus i get off at 11 .. except for this day .. becus of the crazy schedule @ school .. i'm off at 1140 instead :( so dropped my little brother off nd den arrived at school around .. 7:20 .. my daddie CAR time was so OFF!! he had to use the bathroom while i was taking a bit of nap .. nd he sed i had to go in early bcus he wants to go home nd use the bathroom nd school starts at 8 .. so then i went to the deans office becus i had to finish my english time line homework.. 1st period was okay...didnt really do anything..2nd period .. we had our presentations .. hehe francis did a really good jobbb!! 4* .. hm mslee asked me to be a tutor for msmarriotti tuesdays and thursdays from now on for her advet class.. x.x i guess ill do it since i couldn't say no :( .. afterschool..he came to pick me up. . dropped felice nd lynn off at lynns house. nd den i had to go home to pick up cousins to do dmv..i finally passed my permit test... nd den .. lalalala .. here i am .... nothing to do .. so i was in the kitchen with my mom while she cooked so i started my cooking diary notebook..todays dish was curry chicken noodle soup ! (= yummmmmmm!! ... sigh * that was actually the highlight of my day..cooking w. mummie ^_^V ...

hiyee :3 its tuesday.. only. currently using my sister's laptop sitting in the living room watching CSI with a cup of quicklys bought by me daddie (: got a phone calll...brbbbb!! .... - - later ...that was babie :3 babie going to work nd ignores mee :0 .. jk .. heh actually today...i didnt go to 5th period :X my first cut of the year!! today..came to school..hm had to go to the library bcus my house didn't have white paper so i couldnt print my essay so i spent 30 minutes in tthe library PRINTING becus the computer just .. doesnt like me or either that it functions very slow in the morning ! mrkim chose me for attendance person duty this quarter..hehe so yea ..3rd ..we processed our film .. nothing as usual .. 4th period came nd me isabella and pamela took some books up to the library..the librarian were so mean to us x.x just bcus there was CAHSEEN testing..nd then we walked back nd tallked through the period :P then lunch came..babie came to pick me up . we went to irving dennn homeee nd cook/ate..nd took a nap for only 1 hr =[ nd den he had to drive me home bcus he had work =[ .. boohoo...so here i am .. uhmm..over the weekends..i went to greatmall both saturday and sunday..saturday with baby (= and sunday with my sister and our friend's family. we went to dave and buster to played a bit .. one of their girls played this game whre you just win tickets and on her first try she got 1000 so so luckie ! i didnt play so i watched them played..nd held the baby boy ..he was so fragile! afterwards we headed back to sf .. went to the el camino eggettes nd then met bb up at century to watch the invention of lying. the movie was ehh =/ .. afterwards we went to eat .. late supper and home .. nd yeahhhh (= i dont like wednesday..byee!